Talk:Japanese Cormorant

Appearance Article

To the editor Migrubbs who I believe requested feedback on their edit of Japanese Cormorant's appearance article here via my (talk) page: I think your writing has improved and I like your language here. I however, would suggest describing Cormorant's old and new designs separately, because it gets a little confusing to be switching back and forth between different details on the different designs. Also, I would like to suggest trying to preserve as much of Claytn's original description of the old design as possible, since it is a good description, it could just use a little expansion maybe. --RainbowafterSnow (talk) 02:33, 24 September 2020 (UTC)

Feedback on the 17:46, 24 September 2020 revision

To start, if you're going to use a phrase like The new design is characterized by... you should be describing the most noticeable features or qualities of the design, which I would personally say is her sweater or all the dark colors used in the design. I don't see a need to hyphenate black-and-grey in the first sentence, so I would suggest taking the hyphens out. There seems to be a typo in Japanese Cormorant'’s where you used two different apostrophe characters. I think the first sentence should end at the word shoulders so I suggest placing a period there. Because the first sentence is so long, the word opted reads awkwardly and it won't work at all if you start the next sentence there so, I would suggest removing it.

With this second sentence you can continue describing her head. Since the yellow item there seems to be inspired by the yellow portion of the real Cormorant's beak/bill, I would personally describe it as a marking rather than a physical pin. I also think you should go into more detail with her skirt, especially because it is very unique looking. I would personally mention that it is a pleated skirt with a dark stripe and a cone pattern underskirt. That's about all I have to say about this revision.

--RainbowafterSnow (talk) 04:39, 29 September 2020 (UTC)